11.05.07
7:58 am

i read my last entry, because they're so few and far between that i don't know what i should cover (read: bitch about.) so since september 10th, i managed to wreck the car mom bought me, while she was visiting; a 4000 dollar loan later i got another one that looks okay but is a kia so is a piece of junk; i'm so far behind in classes that i'm having panic attacks; i'm so afraid to drive home on the highway at night now that i'm having panic attacks; that about sums it up.

i knew i renewed this thing for a reason.

about the only thing that hasn't changed since that entry is scott playing tabula rasa--on his laptop--in the tiny computer room all day. except now that cox dissolved their department and they're both unemployed, he literally plays it all day. 18 hours yesterday. i figured up about 30 minutes liberally for the time we spent together yesterday. that means i now occupy approximately 1/36 of his time, with 35/36 computer time and negligible amounts for bodily functions. i'm not really mad, my feelings are just hurt. i mentioned how if this keeps up when he gets a job i will literally never see him, and he said no, he's just taking advantage of his time off. and i guess he was so eager to get back to his game that he didn't understand what he said.

i kept this diary because i usually feel a little better when i write everything out, especially now that i have (i assume) no readers and it's pretty much like a real written diary. i don't really feel better today. i can't say how i'm feeling because then he'll compare me to his ex. and i can't really stand the thought of dealing with this forever. a few days ago he was talking about some fight he had with kim once and said she didn't understand that he plays a game hard for a while and then doesn't play it so much. but he left out that there's always another one to take its place. if it keeps up, he'll almost make courtney look like a good boyfriend. i do love him like the dickens and i'm always grateful for any time i have with him. but i didn't move to edmond and seriously complicate my life to live with mikel.



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